Wasn’t middle school absolutely terrible? Looking back on my 24 years, I would emphatically claim that middle school was the most awkward, difficult time for a youngster trying to figure out why he was the only boy without armpit hair or a growth spurt. Middle School isn’t too different from the Hunger Games you know? Somehow, somebody threw a bunch of kids into a building, and convinced them that in order to get ahead, you have to figuratively take out every other ego competing for attention. Occasionally, alliances are formed to protect your temporary allies from the “burns” and “yo-mama jokes” that are shot at you like fiery arrows. Social ostracization is what signals the canon to be fired. To those that are in middle school right now. DON’T WORRY! Life is not an arena full of pubescent teens attempting to strut social dominance! IT GETS BETTER! A caveat for the following stories: this isn't to complain, nor do I want any sympathy. I'm simply recounting some impactful life experiences.
In middle school, I had a dream of playing in the NBA. Yup, all 5 foot, 3 inches of me. I tried out for the basketball team both 7th and 8th grade. I still remember my 7th grade year when I ran up to the gym doors to read the piece of paper that was taped up on the wall… I read and re-read the list thinking maybe I had missed my name. Nope. Nada. Cut. I spent the next year dribbling through the hallways and practicing my free throw shot during lunch. One year later, I hopefully ran up to those same gym doors, only to find that I had been cut once again. Dribbling around a basketball wherever I walked attracted a LOT of attention and my basketball, always at my hip, got a nickname…(I’m giving you permission to laugh here) … Austin’s third nut.
Really though, it's ok if you chuckled. I am confident in myself and my athletic abilities. Maybe I didn’t hit a buzzer beater on Lebron James, but I did spend 4 years as a male cheerleader at BYU. The point here is that bullies are no fun. They suck the life out of you. They play monkey in the middle with your third nut at lunch time… and you are the monkey. They say horrible things about you, and you might just start to believe them. We try to stay clear of these bullies, but sometimes they have a way of getting to us.
As a missionary serving in Santiago, Chile, I was assigned an area called La Cisterna where I lived in a tiny apartment with one companion. As missionaries, you must always have your companion at your hip. The only solitary moments are in el baño. You woke up at the crack of dawn to study the word of God, buttoned up a white shirt, slid on a tie and a pair of slacks and shoes and got to truckin’ for Jesus. While this job implied a lot of walking (A common Chilean saying said “Caminamos más que los Mormones”- We walk more than the Mormons) it was manageable when you had a loyal friend walking alongside you. Some of the most precious memories I have from Chile were made walking beside incredible lifelong friends. However, being shackled to a bully companion was an inescapable prison.
None of what I say is to bash on this particular guy, just to recount a story. I’ll never have known what it was like to walk in his shoes so I will withhold judgement. Let's just leave it at this… The socioeconomic conditions of this Guatemalan town where he was raised were a tad bit different from my high middle class suburb of Colorado Springs, CO. His hard circumstances had caused him to harden his heart, and he didn’t know how to show kindness. My Dad would have said that he “was kickin the dog”, a metaphor for coming home after a frustrating day of work only to unleash fury on the family dog. In this case, I was getting my tail whipped by my missionary companion.
At the time, I barely spoke a lick of spanish, and my attempt to say “dog” (perro) in spanish sounded more like “fart” (pedo). One of the phrases I resorted to saying was “Hoy es un buen dia!” or “Today is a good day!”. I tried to encourage my disgruntled companion by chiming “hoy es un buen dia” and cheer up a situation, only to be told, “No, it's not, and your Spanish is crap”. It was constant. He wouldn’t let up and would leap on any occasion he could to say something to bring me down. The hardest thing about it was that I couldn’t escape the wrath of this guy. It was relentless, and brutal. If I coulda separated myself from him, I would have in a heartbeat.
We would do the same thing in our lives, right? If we have got a bully, we tend to stay away from them. We don’t listen to them. We don’t waste our time with them. If this isn’t true, fix it and cut the negative out of your life. Generally, we desire to stay clear of the negative voices in our lives, and we are better for it! However, you may have one more bully that you allow to LIVE with you everyday! Who is it? You may find them in the mirror.
All this to get to one thing. Positive-self talk. Think about the dialogue you have with yourself in that noggin’ of yours. What do we tell ourselves? What limits do we place on ourselves that keep up from trying? What lies do we tell ourselves that prevent us from taking a leap of faith and starting that business, asking out our crush, or trying out for the team? Once aware of our internal dialogue, we may be surprised to notice that we tell ourselves we are not good enough, that our goals are too lofty, or convince ourselves to never even try! What we find is that our internal dialogue doesn’t sound too different from the ruthless missionary companion, or the bullies that stole my third nut from me in middle school! When the bully is external and obvious, we are significantly more likely to address the situation. However, when the bully is internal and subconscious, for some reason… we allow it.
If you are just now realizing, “wow, that’s me he's talking about”, don’t continue to self-sabotage! Be HAPPY that you recognized you are letting a bully live with you and kick them the hell out! The solution is to build consciousness and start addressing the bully!
How do we do this? It is a process. We need to change the way we think little by little. Here are 3 Happiness Hackz to change your internal dialogue!
1- Gratitude: Countless studies have shown that starting the day giving thanks for the things which you are grateful for improves health and attitude. Gratitude journals are popular vehicles to accomplish this. Consistency is key. Every day, write down three things that you are grateful for. Make it easier to accomplish this goal by leaving a notebook on the kitchen table where you eat breakfast in the morning. Put a pencil there. Set a goal to sit down and consciously write these items out. You will notice a tremendous difference in how you see the world around you!
2- Identity Beliefs: Being conscious is the first step to making corrections. James Clear, author of New York Times Bestseller “Atomic Habits”, emphasizes the importance of our self-identity. What we THINK about ourselves influences how we act! Example. How many people say that they want to write a book? Isn’t that on everybody’s bucket list? The problem is, many people do not write often. So, when they sit down to write a book, they are discouraged, realizing they have little evidence to BELIEVE they are a writer. James Clear would say that the goal shouldn’t be to write a book, but to BECOME a writer! In order to BECOME something, we need to do tiny, daily actions that give ourselves evidence to believe that we ARE (insert goal here). One of the major reasons I started this blog was so that I could BECOME a writer! I have a book up in my head trying to get out! Writing about happiness is my way of becoming a writer! Fill in the following sentence with your game plan to BECOME and start believing that you can execute your goals!
In order to become (what do you want to be), I will (choose a simple daily action that will help you act as a ____) every (choose a day or spread of days) at (location) at (time).
Stick to this commitment you made and give yourself real evidence to SHOW that you ARE what you tell yourself you are!
Example: In order to become a WRITER, I will WRITE A BLOG POST ON HAPPINESS, every SATURDAY, at MY KITCHEN TABLE, at 5PM.
3- Flip negative thoughts into positive ones: Maybe you catch yourself saying, “I can't do that. I don’t know how to start a business”. Pause. Recognize the thought, and re-script that thought. Flip it to a positive! Tell yourself, “I may not know how to start a business now, but I’m going to do the things I DO KNOW, and ask others for help along the way. I am going to (actions) look at videos online to learn, and ask people who have started a business! I can do this!”
These three Hackz are simple. Gratitude. Self-Identity. Flipping negative thoughts to positive actions. While there are MANY ways to kick that bully out from your head, these are just three ways to keep yourself from having a bully follow you around. Most of y’all wouldn’t say the things you say to yourself to others, so why treat yourself that way? We all deserve for somebody to recognize the good that is within us. Why not make that person YOURSELF!? This isn’t just motivation to be more positive, but actual ACTIONS you can take to change the way your brain works!
Nobody liked the middle school days where the hallways were filled with bullies, so why would put ourselves in the same situation again? It's never fun to LIVE with somebody that puts you down, so why would we ALLOW negative internal dialogue. The wonderful aspect of this is that we are in control of HOW we think! We are not mandated to walk around with a bully! So don’t do it!
VISION. See the tremendous potential within you.
ACT. Trust yourself to set small goals that will help you become.
MAINTAIN. Dedicate yourself to those habits.
Until next week! Keep on Truckin!
Email in Happiness Hackz that help you to happinesshackz@gmail.com so we can feature you in our weekly blog!
LINKS:
Watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L4Omgo70Rk (at 13:00-14:50)
Watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L4Omgo70Rk (14:50-17:20)
