On Saturday September 26th, after my wife’s local weightlifting competition, I slouched alone in my Honda as my stomach fell through the car floor. I had made a mistake. A small mistake, but one that had tremendous implications. This small mistake of mine caused collateral damage. Not just to anybody, but my wife. I felt terrible... I pulled out my phone and texted my biggest mentor and role model, Jeremy Davis, and typed, “Hard lesson to learn. Feel terrible.” The gray bubble to the bottom left of my screen popped up as he responded until eventually I read, “Those are tough lessons. But the best.” Now, I’m sure that you are wondering what I could have possibly done that affected my wife so dramatically. I’ll get to that, but I wanted to preface this blog by acknowledging that this was a HARD lesson to learn. Frank Sonnenberg, author of “Soul Food: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life,” said, “Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned.” I would be a fool not to analyze this scenario and learn all I could from it. After pondering on the event that transpired, I realized there are several “gold nuggets’ that I pocket, learn from, and grow from. So here’s the story of my “counting hiccup” and the lessons I learned to make it “count.”
In weightlifting, there is an aspect called “counting.” As a spectator, you would think that athletes simply step up to the bar and attempt their lift when it is their turn. However, there is a lot more that goes on behind the curtain. Behind the competition floor is a warm up room where athletes get prepped up to execute their attempts. Each athlete has three “attempts” in both snatch and clean and jerk to earn a “total”. A total is simply the addition of the two best “made lifts.” Snatch and Clean and Jerk.
The warmup process is timed out and to a science. While athletes are progressively warming up for their debut on the competition platform, each athlete has a person called a “counter” (or their coach) that estimates how far out an athlete is from getting their name called. Their responsibility, in turn, is to dictate when their athlete needs to lift in the warm up room. As the big moment gets closer and closer, athletes lift quantities that start to flirt with the weight they will lift for the opening attempt. It is extremely important that a counter stays on top of his job. If a counter fails in estimating the opening attempt, then his athlete will be left subject to execute a lift they have not prepared for. Super simple right? No, not that easy.
Olympic style weightlifting is a game of chess. Each athlete declares a weight they desire for their first attempt, but don’t be fooled, this number is a bluff. With each attempt, comes the opportunity to make two “changes.” For example, if I were on deck for an 80kg snatch, I could use one of my “changes'' to jump up to 83kg. This sleight of hand buys an athlete extra time, and it also catches the following competitors off guard! This process of changing weight is completed by a “counter” writing the new desired weight on their athletes official sheet and signing off underneath it. Once the signature is in ink, the “change” is locked in. Another important aspect to know is that the bars in weightlifting never drop in weight. As the bar gets heavier and heavier, the strongest athletes are all that remains. There is no going back after a weight change. You get your two changes per attempt, and that's it!
Now that you know how it all works, I’ll explain my “hiccup.” Knowing that Kaija was competing in a local meet, I worked hard during the week to rack up enough sales to take Saturday afternoon off. I arrived at her competition just 20 minutes after signing up a family for cockroach extermination services. Upon arriving, I found out that I was assigned to be Kaija’s counter. The pest control salesman was put in charge of counting… Prior to this, I took pride in loading Kaija’s warm up weights, but never had I attempted to “count attempts” and time the warm up lifts. Eric, Kaija’s dad, is usually present and takes care of strategizing. He is the best counter in the game. As he watches the TV screen to analyze the best game plan for attempt calling, he orders me to load the bar with a certain weight, and tells me when to have Kaija take her lifts. I am the weight loader, Eric is the brains. Well now that Eric wasn’t around, I was the loader AND the brains. I felt very inadequate, yet determined to be the best loader and counter for my wife. I asked a plethora of questions to as many people as I could, attempting to learn the counting aspect of weightlifting. It's a lot more complicated than I thought, but I had gathered enough information to successfully call the shots for the snatch portion of the competition. I did everything I was supposed to do. I declared a lower starting weight, made a change to buy Kaija some extra time, and felt great about myself. I was actually getting the hang of this thing.
Kaija finished the first portion of the meet with a 85kg snatch, which put her in an optimal position to bring home 1st place. We had a game plan for the clean and jerk portion of the meet that she had mapped out days before, and we knew exactly how she was going to bring home the gold. The plan was to declare 101kg, make a change to 104kg, and then use the last change to switch to 107kg for the opening attempt. I KNEW that Kaija was going to take it all home. I just knew it. Everything was going smoothly. When they called Kaija’s name the first time, I made the initial change to 104kg, buying her extra time to get warmed up. Meanwhile, I’m counting how many attempts out she is to tell her when to take her next warm up lift. All was going as planned until I looked at Kaija and she said, “Austin, I’m up! Go change my weight!” Now, in weightlifting, you've got a time window to make your change. If you don’t sign the paper with the new desired weight within 30 seconds of your turn, you’ve got to lift the weight on the bar. With the bar sitting at 104kg, I frantically ran to the table where I scribbled on a number and signed off in ink… I took a sigh of relief thinking that I had bought Kaija more time but, the other officials and coaches surrounding the table looked at me in disbelief. I was confused. It didn’t take me long to realize that I had written 104kg again… I had used up her second change, it was in ink, and it was Kaija’s turn.
I looked up at the officiator helplessly. No. No. You have to let me change this to what I ACTUALLY wanted to write. I wanted to write 107kg, not 104kg AGAIN! Please, please, don’t do this, I just am her husband coming to help out. I SELL PEST CONTROL. I’m not a counter! Please. I was literally down on my knees, as I had just finished kneeling down to sign the paper. The man in charge of the meet looked down at me and said, “She’s gotta take it. I’m sorry.” My gut twisted. I knew what I had to do. I stood up and walked to the warm up with my tail to see my wife warming up for what she thought was going to be a 107kg opening attempt a good 5 minutes out. I sheepishly approached her and said, “Hey… I made a mistake. I wrote the wrong number down and it's your turn to lift… Right now.”
“WHAT?!” She yelled in disbelief. I told her I could explain more later, but that it was my fault and I was sorry. My inability to make a decision under pressure FORCED my wife to lift 104kg under pressure and literally on a moment's notice. Just seconds prior, she hit a warm up lift at 95kg and now had to turn around and take 104kg -- which was a huge jump in weight for her. This wasn’t the plan we had made, and it was entirely my fault.
Now, I’ll tell you I have never seen my wife get so fired up. She briskly walked out of that warm up room, indignantly chalked up her hands, shouted sharply in frustration and went out to dominate the 104kg. The adrenaline that was surging through her entire body made the lift look easy, but there was no question that I had thrown a wrench in the game plan. I knew that the unexpected shift in plans could take a toll on her. She marched off the competition platform and had a surprisingly positive attitude about the conundrum I had caused. “Well… now I don’t have to warm up anymore!” She did her best to remain positive and played the cards she had been dealt. Now, instead of riding slightly increases up to 112kg, we were forced to declare 108kg next and finish up with a 4kg jump to 112kg. It was still possible to win, we just had to make a change of plans.
Kaija had a substantial amount of down time to recover for her next lift at 108kg. This time, when her name was called, she was expecting it. She approached the bar and got set. The bar exploded upwards and Kaija tucked herself underneath it 237 pounds for an amazing clean. After she powerfully stood up with the weight, I watched tensely as she prepared for the jerk… BAM. Nailed it! We were still doing alright but, it all down to the last lift at 112kg. If she made it, she would bring home gold and we would laugh off my hiccup as a “close call.” If she missed it, however, I’d view my little hiccup as a big mess up. You can guess what happened here. She went out there, gave it all she had, executed the clean, but the jerk fell forward and pounded the floor. I had let my wife down. I know my wife could have hit the lift under any other circumstance. I know it. But the completely unnecessary change in plans had completely thrown her for a loop. While there was still a possibility for victory, there’s no question that the original game plan had higher probability for success.
Kaija and I sitting together after the meet processing what had happened.
Photo Credit: Will Breault, Barbell Stories
I am so thankful that I have a forgiving wife who didn’t come down hard on me, but as she came down hard on herself, I felt largely responsible. I took the rest of the afternoon off to be her when she received her silver medal because Kaija and I are a team. I keep that medal now as a reminder of all of the lessons I painfully learned that day. Tough lessons to learn, but as Jeremy put it, “Tough lessons. But the best.”
After meditating on that day and analyzing the lesson learned, I conjured up 4 lessons I’d remember and grow from to make it “count.”
Don't let emotions override logic.
Emotions can be used as a powerful tool to optimize performance, but left unchecked, emotions in a high stakes situation can cost you the game. Just as I had allowed my emotions of panic to control me as I scribbled 104kg onto the paper and signed it, many of us make self destructive decisions that are dictated by emotions. Craig Manning, author of “The Fearless Mind,” states, “Controlling emotions provides an individual with the ability to think rationally and reasonably, increasing the ability to learn from events and perpetuate growth; hence, emotional energy is needed to get things done. However, when there is an overabundance of emotional energy, it can cause destructive behavior as well” (Page 19). Dr. Manning continues by comparing a person's unbridled emotions to The Incredible Hulk who is “a creature who has no control over himself and basically destroys everything within his reach.” We must control our emotions, or our emotions will control us.
I could have easily taken a deep breath, evaluated the situation, and made the correct weight change. Panic and fear swept through my body and I reacted emotionally, quickly forgetting the game plan! Take a deep breath, and make sure that you (not your emotions) are in the driver's seat of your mind.
Your perspective of trials matter:
After I had thrown a wrench in the game plan, Kaija went out and did what she needed to do. She played the cards she had been dealt. She wasn’t happy about it by any means, but she knew that complaining was not going to change the fact that I had signed off on the second change. After she finished the first lift, her comment about not having to warm up anymore showed that she was looking for the bright side of the situation. I admire that she was able to be positive despite having her husband mess everything up!
In life, we will all have trials where all you can say is, “It is what it is.” Sometimes circumstances are completely out of our control. No matter how much complaining, self pity, or anger we show, circumstances will not change if we don’t have the ability to change them. Craig Manning said that we must, “accept what we have control over and what we don’t. Once we understand what is our responsibility and what isn’t, then we are able to channel all our energy into mastering those aspects that we have direct responsibility for and nor waste energy (emotional, mental, or physical) on those things that are not within our responsibility” (Pg 4). When Kaija was told she had to lift the 104kg clean and jerk, she didn't complain or beg them to make an exception. She channeled all of her energy into what she had control over at that very moment. Herself and the barbell.
What aspects of your trails have you been wasting emotional, physical, or mental energy on? What aspects do actually control? How can you redirect your wasted energy into action by controlling the controllables?
Forgiveness
After the competition was over, I was surprised that Kaija wasn’t upset at me so much as she was at herself. She forgave me for my rookie mistake. As Kaija’s husband, I truly felt like I had let her down, but she didn’t cast any blame on me. Even though we were both disappointed, she knew that she could have hit 112kg, and so did I. There was no need to point fingers because it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I am grateful that my wife has a forgiving heart and was able to see my efforts. We should always vere towards giving others the benefit of the doubt and forgiving. But now that Kaija forgave me, I had to forgive myself.
I showed up to Sweet Water Park the next Monday where I always see Coach West. I explained to him the situation and how my carelessness had caused a major obstacle. He looked at me dead in the eye, pointing at me, and said, ‘Your wife has forgiven you, God has forgiven you, now it’s time to forgive yourself!” We chatted for about 10 minutes before I left, feeling a little bit better about the hiccup. I agreed with myself that long as I learned from it, as long as I could make it count, I’d forgive myself and move forward.
You must forgive yourself. Learn your lesson, make adjustments and move forward. I understand. Easier said than done, but still the truth. That week, Tallin Mortensen, a friend and thrower at BYU, messaged me asking how my wife lifted. I explained to him the mistake to which he replied, “You live and you learn, there’s never mistakes, just lessons learned!” Forgive yourself, learn your lesson and grow from it.
Don’t let one mistake trick you into thinking EVERYTHING was terrible.
Let’s say you are taking a test and you get every single question right except for the last 5… you end the test with a 90%. You are pretty psyched about your solid grade! Especially if it was your Econ 101 final! You go home feeling excellent about the hard work you put in. Did you let that missed 10% haunt you? NO! Why? Because you know that for the majority, you performed excellently!
Now in life, there are scenarios that, if you miss the last 10% you end up in second place. A football kicker could be having the game of his life, make his all time PR, but if he missed the game winning field goal, he may be tempted to overlook the good that happened. This is exactly what happened to me. I had done an excellent job loading weights and timing lifts for 90% of the time, but made one mistake. I allowed that mistake to completely overshadow the GOOD that I had done. It wasn’t until my wife tried to cheer me up when she said, “Hey, you actually did a really good job for the most part” that I realized this lesson. We shouldn't ever let one mistake taint all the ground we have gained. Look at a scenario from the big picture, recognize all the progress you have made, learn from where you tripped up, and keep moving forward with this wisdom.
We fall into this all or nothing mode where we believe that something must be PERFECT in order to count it as a win. Maybe you are working on relinquishing a self destructive behavior and you go 3 months without falling into it again. But after that mistake, in three months and 1 day, you may be tempted to believe that all that time was in vain. NO! YOU MADE SO MUCH PROGRESS! Learn from your mistake, put systems in place to help you improve and be better moving forward. It's that simple.
Hopefully, my mistake, or better said, LESSONS, can serve some of y’all. I truly believe what Tallin said! No mistakes, just lessons learned! Make sure you analyze your mistakes and turn them into lessons. Learn from them. Make them count. If we don’t learn and grow from mistakes, we are fools! Don’t dwell on them, GROW FROM THEM!
Now, before I wrap up, I'll take a minute to rave about my incredible wife. Even though this local meet didn’t end the way we planned, I have never doubted her ability to dominate weightlifting. There are better days ahead, just trust me! I am so grateful to have her in my life as my wife. I am her biggest fan and cheerleader. She makes life so much better in every way and inspires me to be a better man everyday. There is nobody else that I can laugh with like her. Kaija is my best friend. We moved our entire lives out to Georgia because we both have faith in God’s plan for her. God is really making things fall into place, and this “move of faith” is panning out! We have been so blessed. I know that there is a long road ahead, full of good times, lesson learning, and adventure! There is nobody else I’d rather do life with than my beautiful bride, Kaija. In just the 8 months we have been married, we have grown so much closer and learn so much more about each other. Here’s to more adventures and lessons moving forward!
Sources:
Manning, Craig. The Fearless Mind: 5 Essential Steps to Higher Performance. CFI, 2017.
Photos: Will Breault, Barbell Stories